Daily Nonsense

I just found this comic and squirted milk out of my nose.  Dodged that shoe, yes he did!

Original image found on Telegraph.co.uk

Help Van Mausing eradicate zombie mice.

With a tag line like ‘You’re hallucinating. Might as well enjoy it.’ it’s kinda’ hard to go wrong.

Jay Leno:   "How many people in our studio got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?"

Jay Leno:   "Don’t you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt."

David Letterman:   "We’re not kidding about this economy," which "is so bad that" Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich "had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%."

David Letterman:   "But did you hear about this guy?" Blagojevich "is charged with corruption and apparently" he "was stealing a lot of money, getting a lot of bribes" and "kickbacks and hiding them in his hair."

David Letterman:   "Well, I just hope to God this doesn’t tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics."

Craig Ferguson:   "Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he’ll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he’s sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden."

Conan O’Brien:   "A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan."

Jay Leno:   "Insiders say that President Bush and his wife Laura have already bought a home in Dallas, Texas, to move into after they leave the White House. And if this turns out to be true, this would be the first time in his Presidency he’s actually had an exit strategy."

Jay Leno:   "President-elect Barack Obama was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, and he told the American people the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ … See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’"

Jay Leno:   "Senator Chris Dodd said the CEO of GM should resign as part of any bailout deal. His feeling is if you run up a giant deficit, and you don’t give the American people what they want, you should resign. Wait, how did" Dodd "keep his job?"

David Letterman:   "Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, ‘It’s going to get worse before it gets better.’"

Conan O’Brien:   "This weekend, at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. The ultimate liberal kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. Afterward, Bush said, ‘Who was that guy?’"

David Letterman:   Top Ten Signs President Bush Doesn’t Care Anymore: "10. Hasn’t taken off his Iron Man costume since Halloween.
9. The menu for the White House Thanksgiving dinner? Corn dogs and Beefaroni.
8. Drew a picture of Garfield on Dick Cheney’s bald head.
7. He’s barely trying to ruin the economy anymore.
6. Spent the entire weekend in the Oval Office pardoning himself.
5. Saw Osama at Arby’s drive-thru but didn’t feel like chasing him.
4. Spends cabinet meetings scanning classifieds for next job.
3. Primary focus is surpassing Hank Paulson’s high score on ‘Guitar Hero.’
2. Asking Obama, ‘How soon can you bail me out of the White House?’
1. Started dating hefty interns."

Jay Leno:   "I tell you," the "economy is bad. … In fact, today — you know the White House turkey? Turned down the pardon. Said all his money’s in the market. Nothing left to live for."

Jay Leno:   "The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money."

Jay Leno:   "The press is calling Obama the first wired president, as opposed to President Bush, who was the first wiretap president."

Jay Leno:   "Pirates from Somalia hijacked a Saudi Arabian super tanker full of oil and are holding it for ransom. You know what you call someone who hijacks a ton of oil, holds it for ransom? Exxon Mobil."

David Letterman:   "Auto executives, the Big Three, are asking Congress now for bailout money. Things are getting desperate, and if they get any worse, these guys may have to trim their $10 million bonuses."

Conan O’Brien:   "This week, John McCain met with his advisers to prepare to run for reelection to the Senate. Apparently, McCain’s new campaign slogan is, ‘Now 100% Sarah Palin-free.’"

Jay Leno:   "These wildfires continuing to burn here in L.A. I haven’t seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(k)."

Jay Leno:   Once Barack Obama "becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America’s ready for a black president. We’re just not ready for a BlackBerry president."

Jay Leno:   "Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank."

David Letterman:   Thanksgiving is "a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. … For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother."

Craig Ferguson:   "Everyone is waiting to see what" Barack Obama has "got planned. We already know his economic plan. It’s designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler."

Conan O’Brien:   Barack Obama "met with former political rival John McCain." Both "men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin."

Jay Leno:   Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions."

Jay Leno:   "In fact, when Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists."

David Letterman:   "Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama" even "got together and had a nice visit. And…Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick."

Conan O’Brien:   "At a big photo op…earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent John McCain." Obama "congratulated McCain on running a good campaign," while "McCain congratulated Obama on being a stupid jerk face."

Jay Leno:   "When they move into the White House, Barack Obama’s going to be getting a dog for his daughters," but "he’s very strict. He said, ‘You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water, and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?’ And Joe Biden said, ‘Yeah.’"

Jay Leno:   "Oh, I tell you," the "economy’s bad. … The economy is so bad, Lou Dobbs moved the show to Mexico."

David Letterman:   "This is an exciting time in Washington." Barack Obama is "very busy." He is "meeting with his advisors and picking out a cabinet. Meanwhile, John McCain is at Applebee’s, blowing on his soup."

Conan O’Brien:   "Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. … Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: ‘Have you ever been videotaped screaming, ‘God damn America?’"

Jay Leno:   "President Bush and Barack Obama had their big meeting yesterday. And to tell you the truth, they found with all their differences, they had one thing in common. Neither one of them trust the Clintons."

Jay Leno:   "There’s a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up Secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world, to which Bill said, ‘Yes!’"

Jay Leno:   "Speaking of young blood, we are very excited. Senator John McCain on the show tonight. And I thought this was very nice. He blew off an interview with Katie Couric to be here."

David Letterman:   "Today is Veterans Day. John McCain laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Plumber."

David Letterman:   "John McCain is great, by the way. He’s back at his full-time job, yelling at people who park in front of his house."

Jimmy Kimmel:   "Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the President showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline."

Jay Leno:   "President Bush took President-elect Barack Obama on a tour of the White House. At one point, Barack opened a closet. Bush said, ‘Oh, don’t open that!’ And a huge stack of unread intelligence memos fell out."

Jay Leno:   "According to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. That’s what it says. It says she’s been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats."

David Letterman:   "The big transition process begins because earlier today Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the President-elect and the President inept."

David Letterman:   "I don’t know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama’s ratings went down 10 points."

David Letterman:   "There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when…President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said ‘Oh, you mean we caught him?’"

Conan O’Brien:   "President Bush had a private meeting, in the Oval Office, with President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah. Yeah, then afterwards Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work."

Jay Leno:   "Everybody is speculating now what the future of the GOP will be. GOP now stands for, of course, ‘Gang up On Palin.’"

David Letterman:   "I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late."

David Letterman:   "And this is sad. You hate hearing about this, but staffers are saying that John McCain is depressed. And I think there is something true to the story, because I heard today that he had made an appointment with Joe the therapist."

Conan O’Brien:   "Today, at his first press conference as president-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. Nice. Yeah. In other words, we’re totally screwed."

Jimmy Kimmel:   "Obama held the first news conference today as president-elect. Some veteran White House reporters were a little bit confused because he didn’t make up any words and almost everything he said made sense."

Jay Leno:   "Do you realize this is our first black president since the first season of ‘24′?"

Jay Leno:   "People were worried about the ‘Bradley effect," but "apparently," that "was not nearly as strong as the ‘Bush effect.’"

David Letterman:   "Attention passengers, the Straight Talk Express is no longer in service."

David Letterman:   "People all over the world…are celebrating" Barack Obama’s victory. In fact, Sarah Palin "watched the Russians celebrating from her house."

Jay Leno:   "And financial experts say the economic crisis" has cost the world "$2.8 trillion. … You know, it’s hard for people to visualize how much a trillion dollars" is, so let "me put that in terms you understand: $2.8 trillion" is "enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year."

Jay Leno:   "I guess there seems to be trouble brewing between…Sarah Palin and John McCain." McCain "aides say that…Palin is ‘going rogue’ and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. … They say it’s hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. In fact, it’s gotten so bad, her Secret Service code name now? Joe Biden."

David Letterman:   "Alaska Senator Ted Stevens" has "been convicted on seven counts of fraud" and "corruption," but "Republicans are relieved because at least" the story "didn’t involve an airport men’s room."

David Letterman:   "Alaskan authorities were tipped off" to Steven’s activities "by Russians who’d been watching with binoculars."

Jay Leno:   "Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that’s why they’re closed."

Jay Leno:   "But the good news" is that the "stock market went up over 900 points today. … This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since — actually, it’s the first good thing to happen" to the McCain campaign.

David Letterman:   "A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. … You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors."

David Letterman:   President Bush "says he’s going to tweak the financial package. … That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu."

David Letterman:   Bush "is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he’ll be out of office."

Conan O’Brien:   "This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. … President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week the US is no longer one of the world’s richest countries."