Daily Nonsense

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I’m in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure… I knew you could.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, “non”.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

Hey, this is Phil, I am busy making some changes in my life; so if I don’t call you back, you are one of those changes.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

International Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. She’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and she will return your call.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is waterboarding.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

At the sound of the beep . . . A newer, funnier, answering machine message for you to try.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in “as-is” condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don’t return your call, it means the machine did not work.